It’s hard to feel
Cause, oh, sorrow is just all the rage

I’m trying to understand

But I’m struggling

Look down inside yourself

And stop hating your body

Because someone said it’s not good enough

So now you know

You can’t control me

And no longer do I bend

To follow all your demands

Wordlessly accepting different commands

Don’t question

Just do

So would you leave your heart on the dance floor?

And act like nothing is wrong?

So we can pretend we’re someone else now?

See that it pertains to everything we do

Perfect actors in the play of life

Not stumbling over our lines

Of what’s right and wrong

To understand our place is to follow the leader

Dance around the rules

Yet still obey

Hearts now encased in stone

But don’t play nice

With our words shady

And our promises skeptical

Because it’s hard to feel

The 'This and That' entry was pretty pointless, but I liked it.

Didn't you?

So I've started this new thing where I'm not a mindless drone child and I don't do what I'm told all the time anymore. It's pretty great. And what I mean when I say that I don't do what I'm told, I'm not saying that I don't take harmless requests. What I mean is...

I just don't care to do anything I don't see having any real meaning or value to it.

Like I said, it's pretty great.

It's basically saying that you can't control me.

But anyways. So, have you ever felt that you're locked up in a cage and you just can't get out? I have, of course. I always felt that the door to freedom was closed and that I just couldn't break free no matter what it was that I tried to do to change that fact.

Bottom line being, that it sucked...a lot. I hated that feeling for two reasons.

1) I'm super independent and individualistic, so when I feel like I can't breathe (literally or figuratively), I get agitated and upset.

2) I'm an artist, and artists can't be controlled and put on a tight leash because it stifles creativity and a thirst for knowing what I can't reach.

And I want to reach it all.

But here's the thing...I dont' feel that way anymore. I always thought that the door was closed when it really wasn't. I realized that I can actually leave whenever I want (even though I won't because I'm pretty content with where I am and I love my family)...but just knowing that the option is there makes a difference to me. It makes me feel a bit different than before.

Bulimic girl, bulimic girl
You lift your head as I watch you hurl
Who are you pleasing?
In trying to stop the teasing
Do you think you'll gain respect?
When they're really waiting for your death
That it's now
Jam your finger deep down
Drain away the awful fat
Give your stomach an angry pat
Binge on your silly treats
And then sulkingly retreat
A death written melody
Laced with envy and jealousy
Will this cycle ever end?
Who will reap the reward then?
Look at yourself in the mirror
As your sanity continues to teeter
Binge and purge
Gag and feel the surge
As you down your ninth soda pop
I know your body will eventually stop
But my only question is
Can you?

So I got inspired to write this randomly. It just...came to me. My pen did the work, to be honest. I don't have an eating disorder, but my heart goes out to those who do.

Comments are <3

So this post is going to be a little bit different from my other posts. I decided to try a little...experiment. I'm going to take two things, and pit them against each other. I, of course, will be picking the one that makes the most sense and defending it...so it's more of a good vs. evil kind of thing, if you get what I'm saying.

Let's get started, then!

'Acceptance vs. Tolerance'

Obviously, I side with acceptance on this one and I'll tell you why. It doesn't matter what you are that makes you different from what society and the general public defines as normal, or in some cases, good. It could be that you're Muslim, Asian, or whatever other race out there. It could be because you're gay, bisexual or transgendered. It could even be because you might have to take medications for mental illnesses for things like bipolar disorder and depression (people label you as crazy). And of course, what religion you are is a big one.

Now, tolerance is good. I'm not bashing tolerance because I'd like to believe the world is becoming more tolerant of other people.

But why are we promoting tolerance? Why not acceptance?

Take this scenario into consideration. You're in a room full of people who are pretty much identical in their belief systems and core values. But you, on the other hand, feel different on most of the subjects in which the others have opinions on. What would you rather have? A room full of people who just tolerated you? Or a room full of people who accepted you for your differences and beliefs.

I'm just saying that we should try and be accepting of others instead of just barely tolerating them.

'Adults vs. Children'

This is topic that truly ignites the debating part of me back into action. I've been told many a time that adults deserve more respect than children. That they can't be treated like peers (which is basically saying, 'treat your peers however you want, but respect us because we own you'). It also has to do with a trust factor from children to adults and vice versa.

Now, I admit that the truly elderly deserve respect (I'm talking wrinkly old people that still remember when a dollar had worth). I mean, these people are getting up there in age don't have that much time left on this earth. And these people are usually grandparents, which generally are known to spoil their grandchild/grandchildren. Grandparents are more laid back and easy to talk to without feeling like you're being judged.

Personally, my late grandmother was the easiest adult I could talk to about anything. And my opinions, no matter how vastly different or completely similar to hers, were always respected and taken with value. She knew opinions that I have and the way I felt about things that my parents didn't even know about (which only made my bond with grandmother stronger...apart from the whole raising me thing). I can't think of what those things are right now, but I know they're there!

But onto, what I call, the regular adults. You're average, everyday adult. Whether it be your parents or guardian, your aunt or uncle or even just your neighbor. These people DEMAND respect and they demand it now, damn it! And boy, if you don't give it to them...all hell breaks loose. Now I have to say that I do respect my parents, and most adults, as people. They're not bad people or anything, in fact...they're pretty great (except for a certain person who's name starts with an S and ends with a eve).

Unfortunately, the parents that I respect are my dad and stepmother. My biological mother has actual...erm...how do I say, almost completely lost my trust and respect. And it's for the things she did and the choices she made. Now, if I had made some of the decisions that she did, my parents wouldn't trust me or probably even respect me...at ALL. But I feel obligated, because it's been instilled in my mind, that I still have to respect her. And it's for one simple reason, my dear people.

Because she's an adult and I'm not, and trust and respect is automatically given to adults no matter what they do and blah, blah, blah! Spare me the lecture...she's just as accountable for the things she's done in the same way that I would be responsible for them if I had been in her position.

It almost seems that adults (and not all, mind you...I'm not one to mold everyone into one restricted category) want the youth of our world to see them as superior beings.

Yet again, I must, must, must insist that you all know that I do respect my dad and stepmother and grandparents and everyone else I'm too lazy to type out. For the things they do to me, they deserve respect and I give them that. But there are times when my feathers get a little bit ruffled and maybe they don't deserve as much respect and trust as I'm supposedly automatically set to hand to them.

'Who you are vs. Who I want you to be'

Now this one is a no brainer. I hope it's become blatantly obvious that I choose the first one.

This is a topic that I usually associate with parents and children. Now, I'm not usually pressured to be like my parents (um, I'd rather not, actually), but there was a time when my parents forced me to be in a sport, and what a 'surprise' it was to know that my dad played football and Kathy (stepmother) played basketball and volleyball and probably other sports as well. See, I'm not that athletic...well, I have the build for it and I'm not that bad, it's just that I don't really like organized sports. I don't feel that it's that fun...I'd much rather be playing with friends where you can make up your own rules and not have to worry about a coach getting all pissed off at you.

It's just that...I hate when parents try to instill what they missed out on or what they did when they were our age into us. It's not fair and we shouldn't be forced to do something we don't want to do. Because if it's forced, than it's not fun.

Now, I played lacrosse in seventh grade (the only time, mind you), and I was actually okay at it. It was the only sport I found...tolerable...out of all my options. But at the same time...I didn't want to do it just as much as I did. And the next year when I found out that I wasn't going to play...I was actually upset. It wasn't a show and I wasn't sad. I was furious! All that work I put into learning the game and being forced into it, and now I can't play? And what's the point of being able to do it the year after if I missed a season and most likely lost interest in it because I wasn't playing.

Naturally, when I was upset (I cried or something, but that before I was on medication), I was told how I actually felt about the sport and how I shouldn't be upset because I 'wasn't even preparing for the next season anyways, and showed no interest'. Okay, because apparently that person was me now and knew what I think and feeling. Maybe I didn't go running or whatever because what fun is it without my team with me. To have my team and I work on our skills together and make progress as whole?

What I think parents (and I use this term to describe who a child lives with, even if it isn't there actual mom and dad) need to understand is that children are people, too. With their own thoughts and feelings that need to be taken into a consideration. Who should be able to choose what they take interest in and what makes them happy. The child should be able to express their own individual talents in whatever way they want.

This is just an example, but it still kind of makes me mad. I decided earlier in the school year that I was going to draw a picture of Cerberus for my father. He was really into the PlayStation 2 game called God of War, so I used the handbook as a guide since it had pictures of the different beings in the game. So I was sketching everything out and at one point, my stepmother tells me to give the hand guide back when I was done because she didn't want me to drawing the creatures in it besides Cerberus, or something like that.

Naturally, I was a little angry, but still did what I was told, none the less (thanks to proper training, I might add). Later that night, after finishing coloring and what not, I called my friend Shelby. Still a little discouraged and mad, I told her what happened and said that I could draw whatever I wanted and that it wasn't up to Kathy (or something along those lines).

Kathy overheard me because the basement is easy to pick up on conversations in certain areas, so she confronted me. Which is fine because being a parent, that's what she supposed to do. She had said that she heard what I was telling Shelby and that I should talk someplace where I couldn't be overheard.

Now, that was cool, I admit. But I was still angered because it's like, who is she to tell me what I can and cannot draw? It's my talent and artwork, not hers. I'm not drawing for her, I'm drawing for myself and since I was graced with some artistic ability, I should be able to do with it what I please, not what makes her happy.

I'm not trying to get on Kathy's case, cause I think's she awesome. Honestly, she's funny and sometimes easier to talk to (and in some cases, drive with). We've had great times of laughter, and also...not so great times with not so much laughter. But I have to take the bitter with the sweet, I suppose (cause she's done a lot for me, and I DO recognize it) and just suck it up. Which I can do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And that's that! This was my post that challenged two different things head to head and now...I'm done. So leave your comments for me and tell me what you thought!

Hm, it's about 8:40 a.m. right now (from the time I started posting), and I've been up since six...which is weird for two reasons. 1) because it's summer and 2) because...well...it's six in the morning and it takes will power for me to get up that early for school.

But it's odd because I'm perfectly in tact and not tired. I've been quite...'awake' for the last couple of days and when I say 'awake', I mean alert. Not that I'm exactly paying attention...because I'm usually not and my mind is always racing with other things. I guess I'm more alert than usual.

I updated my site with a new background...which was unusually hard to remix because the side bar's colors wouldn't change. That's why there is that annoying hot pink that makes it hard to read. The only way I could make it a little easier was to increase the font size to extra large.  What a drag.

So I decided to start bolding and (sometimes italicizing) the most random parts of my entries because I think it makes it look cool. It's pretty rad.

:D

I actually don't do much in the summer unless my friends want to hang out. And I find that I don't do much in the summer because it's my vacation and I feel that I should just be able to hang out and bum around the house. Which is fine with me because all I do during school is study and do homework and then worry about whether I'm going to pass this test or fail this quiz or get this math problem correct and blah, blah, blah! All I do is what I'm told to do during the year and not to say that I don't have rules in the summer, but I can say that it's more...lenient. Not lenient in a way where I can get away with murder, but it's much more relaxed around here...which I think we all enjoy.

I think I'm getting thinner, which I know is random but it's just something I noticed. Oh well, I guess it doesn't matter...I mean...even if I was tubby chubby I think I'd still be happy because my flab doesn't change my personality.

So...my grandma died last month (which I mentioned previously in another blog post, but just briefly), which sucks. But life goes on and so do I. I mean, there isn't much I can do about it, so I'm not going to beat myself up over not keeping in as much contact as I should have (I decided when it was too late that I didn't call enough). I guess when I moved, I didn't realize that how much time I had actually spent with grandma. Whether it was every Saturday while my mom worked, or when she would pick me up from latchkey after school on certain days.

Okay, so that last paragraph was pretty depressing. Onto not so gloomy matters! I still haven't brushed my hair at all and I kicked my stereo last night because it wouldn't play my CDs.  Cause I am that cool.

I decided that I should work in a bakery because I  sweets, but I can't really cook that well...so that might be a problem. Or maybe I should be an author, since I do enjoy writing fictional stories...but then I do want to be an artist. Either way...I'm moving to Japan somehow (as well as visiting London, Rome, Germany and Greece eventually), even if that means I have to be homeless. I don't know how I'm going to get the money, but I have time to figure out a way because I always figure out a way to to reach my goals. Not that I have plans or schemes or anything like that, because I don't. I just do things. It's honestly that simple.

I've been thinking about all the future arts schools out there that I could attend, but then I remember that I have to focus on the school I'm taking right now and that's kind of down point. I have to do well because if I don't, then I risk the chance of big, important schools noticing me and giving me a scholarship. And then I'd have to actually pay to get in and that means I'd have to take a loan (or somehow make money, but that might be one thing I can't figure out) and if I take a loan, then I'd have to pay it off in the future! That costs money, obviously, and that's just one more thing I'd have to worry about along with paying bills, money for gas and food for me to eat. But then again...I could always just eat less and walk to more places that aren't too far away.

See...this is what happens when I think about stuff like this. Aaargh! It's craziness! My mind works a zillion miles an hour, processing a thousand thoughts per minute about a multitude of different things all at one time. It gets cluttered...I mean...my mind is great and I'm thankful for having it...but it'd be a place that I would just want to visit and not reside permanently (like Detroit! :D).

And certain people think that I don't pay attention (which I usually don't, as stated earlier, but now we know the reason WHY).

I feel that as I get older, my will to fight is deteriorating. I mean, I will fight...but only when necessary. I tend to just try and be peace maker because I feel that fighting doesn't get you anywhere and only causes conflict that can easily be resolved without having to smooth ruffled feathers and hurt feelings. I mean, I'm still snarky and sometimes a little bit spiteful (usually in my humor), but I'm not mean...I don't think.

I think my fridge is lazy and doesn't put food on the table like it should...I want to punch it.

So besides that last sentence which was completely random and made no sense at all, I found out that Contemporary Christian music gives me the giggles. I was laying on the floor of room, face buried in my sketch book when I decided to turn to the music channels on my television. Nothing was on Adult Top 40, Hit List, 90's or 80's. I also tried Rock, Alternative and Metal. Nothing worth listening to was playing. I flipped through my handy dandy guide and saw Contemporary Christian, so I changed to it.

And my God (no pun intended, I swear), I could just not contain myself. I just started laughing, face still jammed in my sketching journal. The minute I heard this line,

The only thing good in me is you, Jesus,

I just started laughing. I couldn't even help myself, to be honest. It just kind of happened. I mean, that line wasn't even that funny, nor was it meant to be. It was like an involuntarily reaction. Now, I will state that I do not, NOT have a problem with religion. Believe what you want, and I myself do believe that there is some sort of higher power (though I do side with evolution). But that line just cracked me up to no end. The corner of my mouth is twitching as we speak.

I've come to an end with this post because...I've run out of things to say... 

Comments are !!! So leave them for me. Anonymous comments are enabled, so just say who you are and then comment, because comments are like cookies...they feed me.

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END!